Nail them while they're vulnerable, that's my motto

So this afternoon...slow...as...hell. My leg is tapping a mile a minute under my desk, I think I need a vitamin C shot, stat! Or is it a lack of iron that makes me jumpy? Eh, don't care.

My mind has wandered today, through various topics, most revolving around me and my life, one involving me trying to remember who played the cowboy on Pee Wee's Playhouse (Laurence Fishburne)...and now I've settled on thinking about boys, or men (that in b/w stage, the mid 20's, where I don't feel comfortable referring to them as men yet), or basically the male sex in general. I wonder how it is that we all get our ideas on what constitutes as a "spark". For me, I guess it's good conversation, a slight flirtation, common interests (meaning: my interests), and feeling comfortable. I'm not a hopeless romantic: I don't want flowers b/c flowers die and I'm always too lazy to throw them away so they just sit on my kitchen table for weeks, ugly and dead with their leaves slowly falling off one by one. I like having my car door opened, but sometimes it makes me feel weird. Like it's too formal. I like people paying for me but not out of any sense of tradition but b/c I'm poor and I take anything free I can get. It actually makes me feel uncomfortable, b/c w/ money comes power and I don't want anyone to control me, though I doubt buying me dinner really warrants any control. Affection in general can make me feel awkward, b/c I think you need to really know someone to have genuine intimacy so everything else is a facade. And I'm not a good actress. It's like this feeling I get when I'm riding in a car and everyone is talking and having a good time and laughing and tra la la la la...and at that moment I think back to some drinking and driving commercial and think we're going to crash, even if no one is drinking. Even if it's two on a Sunday. It's the calm before the storm, the moment when everything seems okay then bam- you find yourself wrapped around a tree. So yeah...I guess any happy moment is like that...you're with someone who likes you and you like them then bam- they've met someone else. You think I'm jaded for a reason...not at all. Just a general distrust in everything that has the potential of not going my way. Great attitude, right? So I was saying that I wonder where we get our romantic ideals, must be the movies, b/c that's where we get everything, it's the circle of life. The chicken or the egg. I'm thinking that some guys are a little too into the hetero-sensitive Good Will Hunting and Robin Williams' "I gotta see about a girl" speech. That's what popped into my head. I guess I worry about this love at first sight theory b/c I think of myself as an acquired taste. Maybe I want my quirks to be cute and not annoying and that's not a surface assumption. No one w/o knowing me will think it's cute I bite my nails. So f*cking what? It's a disgusting habit. A turn off. But if you learn that I do it when I get nervous or when I'm bored during a movie then it has meaning. I don't know why I'm going off on this, I'm bored, I'm tired, I need coffee, and I like to think about these things. The unexamined life isn't worth living, I fall back on this anytime I'm feeling over analytical or obsessive. Okay, I'm spent.
R.